Open Mouth, Insert Whole Leg


If there is one truth in this entire universe, it is that I will always say the dumbest possible thing at any given moment.  In most cases, this dumb thing I say will be the only thing I offer to the entire conversation, leaving everyone present with the impression that I probably shouldn’t be walking around on my own.  I have no idea why this happens.  I mean, I don’t consider myself a genius by anyone’s standards, but aptitude tests show that I should at least have the capacity to meet new people and have a conversation (that makes sense) with them.

Now, I could tell you the whole story, but the truth is that I really just need to tell you what I said to get the point across.  I said… Wait for it… “This isn’t my first rodeo.”  First of all, who actually says that?  Are there really people in this world who feel that’s a valuable contribution to any conversation?  Secondly, this inane utterance had nothing to do with the question that was asked.  At all.

There was a moment of silence after I said this – the only thing I said during the whole conversation – before everyone started talking again as if I hadn’t spoken.  In truth, that was maybe the best possible outcome, as it gave me a chance to silently perform an incantation that would make me invisible.  Well, who knows?  With my track record, I probably said that out loud, too.

Does anyone else have this problem?  Tell me I’m not the only person in the world who manages to blush and stutter on a daily basis!

My Christmas Wish
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12 thoughts on “Open Mouth, Insert Whole Leg

  1. Oh, I do this all the time. And I say the rodeo thing too.

    Even better, I’ll think of something SUPER STUPID and, in the nick of time, save myself from saying it. And then I’ll share that with the group.

    Case in point: Several years ago, some friends and I were watching a Queens of the Stone Age video where Dave Grohl was playing drums. I *almost* said, “Wow, Dave Grohl is really talented! Look, he can play the drums too!” But I caught myself, realizing that duh, he got famous playing drums for Nirvana. So I saved myself.

    And then, immediately, I told the whole group what I almost said. And they have NEVER let it go. I’ll always be the dumb girl who didn’t know Dave Grohl played drums.

  2. I’m always happy to see a mail from Jen. I know I’m about to be entertained, and royally. I have done the foot in mouth thing more often than I care to remember, so I won’t. thank you very much. 🙂

    hap

    1. So pleased that my mortification entertains you, Hap. Seriously, though. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone! Would it be even more embarrassing to mention that this gaffe was performed during a business meeting? A BUSINESS MEETING! I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house.

      1. My face is red, I’m sweating, my heart is beating furiously, and that’s just from THINKING about my numerous faux pas.

  3. rest assured knowing that you are *not* the only one who does this. i, too, suffer from chronic foot-in-mouth disease. here’s a particularly awful example for you:

    once upon a time, we were visiting family in texas. this was when willy’s mimi was still living. we were all sitting around her living room one day, and someone said something about Chanel No. 5. i, social genius that i am, said, “i don’t care for Chanel No. 5. it smells like old lady.” cue our aunt making a repeated slicing motion across her throat and pointing toward mimi. i caught her motion out of the corner of my eye as i was making the statement, so my volume went down near the end, but i’m pretty sure it was still pretty audible.

    oh god. i had no idea she wore Chanel No. 5!!! my face got really hot, and i wanted to melt right down into the floor. i felt like such a jerk. to this day, i’m not sure if mimi actually heard me say it, but it still haunts me to this day. haha…

    there are many, many, many more examples, but this was a particularly shining one. 😉

    1. Tiff, I think you and I should get together one day and just have a wildly inappropriate conversation, filled with those special, inane, accidentally-insulting comments. I could be epic.

  4. This is the story of my life. And when I’m home, long after saying something ridiculous, I think up the many other things I could’ve said instead of showcasing my awkwardness.

    The worst for me now is trying to socialize with other moms (moms are vicious). A couple years back I tried out a “moms group” and awkwardly joked at my first gathering that when in need of discipline, the kids are sent to the dog’s crate for a timeout. *Crickets* *side-eye looks* I never went back.

    So it always makes me feel (a little) good when I hear another person’s story of conversation mortification.

    1. On the upside, my own awkward fumblings make it easier for me to overlook those of others. Besides, what you said wasn’t awkward at all! There is merit in the idea of crates for kids!
      .
      .
      .
      Okay, so maybe it’s a little awkward. This is also why I don’t have kids.

  5. I actually have a problem with not saying anything during a converstion. It’s actually quite annoying for me because people get the impression that I’m stuck-up, indifferent, etc. For the longest time my husband’s friends thought I hated them because I was so quiet. LOL

    I wouldn’t mind saying something completely inappropriate once in a while. At least then I’d be saying *something,* even if it’s questionable. 🙂

    1. I don’t know… If I could rewind to yesterday, I think I’d still hit the mute button at that particular moment in the conversation.

      PS, you guys look so cute in your Christmas cards! Thank you!

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