In an effort to bring all of my (nearly failed) blogging attempts together in one place, I’ll be posting some very old entries from various different blogging sites. I’ll let you know the original post date so that you can be sure none of these things are actually happening to me now. Beginning with March 21, 2007, a post titled Insomnia gives you an idea of thoughts I had when in the grip of an anxiety disorder.
I can’t sleep. I’m reading a book, and I look up at the clock and it’s already 1 am. Why didn’t my body tell me I was tired? I put the book down and turn out the lights and my mind is suddenly full. First I’m imagining the characters from my book as real people, but I move on quickly to casting them for movie roles. This is one of my favorite things to do. This makes me think of other books I’ve read lately that I want to cast for movie roles as well. I start thinking about working as a casting director in Hollywood, which is crazy I know, but maybe I was just starting to drift to sleep a little bit, when I hear a small bump. Immediately, I’m in the middle of a CSI episode, and I’m imagining the clean-up after I’m murdered by the psycho that just broke into my apartment. My blood starts pounding and I’m breaking into a sweat and start singing The Lord’s Prayer in my head. Another song crowds in as I’m making my way through the third repetition and I find myself running my own music video, and again, I’m casting the roles. I get stuck on a line of the song and can’t remember how the rhythm goes exactly, and I start to sing it out loud when I see my husband sleeping peacefully beside me and I know I can’t disturb him. I look at the clock instead and it’s 2 am. Where did that hour go! I roll over and sigh and close my eyes and try to erase the thoughts in my head, but they won’t stop. Like an out-of-control 18-wheeler, and just as loud. I can’t turn it off. I start to sing Ave Maria to myself, but I can only remember the latin to the first verse, so I sing that verse over and over in my head. Here comes the other song, crowding back in…There’s me, looking down at my shoes—the one smiling like the sun, that’s you. What great lyrics. But why won’t it just leave me alone? I remember the weekend, the cabin, the great friends, the green beer; which makes me think of Ireland and my sisters there and how one of them is pregnant and due in October. Ideas for presents start to crowd in, but I have to be careful because another sister is having a baby first and they presents have to be as nice as each other. And why do I never send birthday cards? Is it really that hard to remember these things? Another bump, and this time I see shadows. This is it…what will it be like to die? I hope it doesn’t hurt, but I’m sure it will. I snuggle closer to Liam as if to say goodbye as a cat jumps on the bed and I almost scream. Relief rushes through me as I realize that maybe today’s not my day to die and I look at the clock again. Jesus. 3 am. I have to be up in three hours. Well, four if I just bust a move and don’t dry my hair. Can I survive a day on four hours sleep? I don’t know because I’m getting older. I’m not sixteen anymore. Is this what’s keeping me awake? That time is passing before my eyes, and I don’t want to miss a minute, even if it means not sleeping? Surely not. I’d really rather sleep, I think, if it’s all the same. Here comes that song again, but I force it away and soon hear Danny Boy in my head. This is good. I picture the green hills of Ireland, and the pubs, and the friends I have there and I fall….